There may be surprises thrown in later in the story.

Got your points. I’m not sure where else I can plug that background information into the story, and I did feel like it was a little awkward myself. Thanks for pointing it out, I’ll have to play around with some ideas.

About the other voices in the room, that was an attempt to keep the focus on the main characters and not invest in other people who aren’t going to be central to the story. But if it feels unnatural, I’ll have to go back and take another look.

Thanks Tierlieb, I appreciate your feedback.

First of all: I like it – good introduction to the situation. Details coming in only after questions, which makes me feel I am keeping up. And a nice background for Quincy.

But the description of Quincy comes a bit surprising. It breaks the flow of information on that cool thing that is happening right now that I want to know more about – at least so it feels to me. Same for Nunez’ thoughts about divorce beforehand. Now if Nunez was tired and sleepy like Lacey (I feel with him, well done!), I would get this as some stream-of-consciousness thing, maybe triggered by some impressions along the way and in the room – but it might also qualify as not needed to advance the story.

Also: Without checking again, if I remember correctly, there are a bunch of people in the briefing, but talking are Nunez, his boss and “some voice from the back”, which, to me, makes the remaining people seem like background decoration – imho they deserve the same amount of detail as the other speakers or the immersion does not work as well.

Thanks, and man it would be cool to see this as a movie someday.

Now, after reading the “Line in the Valley” appetizers, I’ve got that familiar excitement that one gets when just starting to crack open what’s looking to be another great story… so… come on, put it out there. PDF. EPUB. Whatever, just take my money!

I’m also seeing a killer action movie here.

Sounds like you’ve got some nibbles from real agents, and then they have to get the houses interested. Maybe a paperback original, like Larry Corriea’s first? Good luck, keep the faith, and I’ll be waiting to read more, whatever format it comes out in. it’s got my interest, and it’s very readable.

Matt
St Paul
@1077idaho

Not sure which avenue I’m going to pursue for publication on this one. I met a couple of very interested agents this weekend, and I’d prefer to get this out through a major publishing house. However, I’ve met very interested agents before and it didn’t work out, so I’m not holding my breath. I’m fortunate to have a small independent publisher standing by if I want to go that route.

I don’t think the Hispanic protagonist is a problem. One agent even told me that would be a huge boost, since there aren’t that many in books.

Thanks for the comments, and I hope to have my book in a retail store as soon as possible.