Operation Jade Helm: All Your Texas are Belong to Us!
This was published yesterday on Breach Bang Clear.
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Curses! Our sinister plot has been discovered!
Somehow Jade Helm, our “training exercise” [wink wink], has been revealed as a plan to wage war on Texas. We tried to trick the public into believing it was just training, but the sheeple didn’t buy it! Astute internet investigators, none of whom usually have a clue what they’re talking about, nailed this one!
Jade Helm is a ruse, a way for the military to invade Texas. Which sounds weird, since Texas is in America and already has tons of military bases full of military personnel. So, like, if the military wanted to invade and stuff, they could just book a vacation to Dallas or something. But nevermind all that! We were going to invade Texas!
And we would have gotten away with it too, if not for those meddling truthers!
Henceforth a tinfoil hat will be called “Jade Helmet”.
How could our plan have been leaked? Our operatives followed every top-secret, MK-Ultra protocol! They put a news release on the internet, notified local officials and private citizens in the “training” area, published a Jade Helm PowerPoint presentation, and held a public press conference. But despite all that secrecy, people somehow found out about it!
Alex Jones and his buddies must have seen through our charade. And we were so close! All our TFTDOF (Tools For The Destruction Of Freedom) were in place. We closed Wal-Marts and turned them into FEMA death camps, dug tunnels interconnecting them so we could move Texas patriots to the gas chambers without arousing suspicion, and prepared our Special Forces to confiscate everyone’s guns. It’s all true.
Anyone with a brain might wonder how we managed to dig all the tunnels connecting our closed Wal-Mart FEMA death camps without attracting attention. You’d think a gigantic tunneling project which would require hundreds of vehicles, thousands of workers and the movement of thousands of tons of dirt over a period of months, would have been noticed by someone. But nobody did. Know how we pulled that off? I have no idea! But we must have done it, or multiple morons wouldn’t believe it! Right?
Sure, reasonable people might think Jade Helm really is just training and therefore no big deal. They might believe it’s conceptually the same as the Special Forces Robin Sage exercise that’s been held on public land in North Carolina for decades. They might notice North Carolina somehow isn’t under martial law. They could also point out that our military conducts permissive environment training in public on a regular basis. People with at least two brain cells to rub together might look at these facts and conclude Jade Helm fear is hysterical stupidity.
But they’d be wrong! Unlike Robin Sage, Jade Helm isn’t in North Carolina! The Posse Comitatus Act clearly states, “Any military training held off post that’s not in North Carolina constitutes an illegal invasion of America.” At least, that’s what I think it says. I’ve never actually, you know, read it or anything. But I’m sure Jade Helm violates Posse Comitatus!
If Jade Helm wasn’t really a secret plot to invade Texas – and IT IS – one might say it’s pretty damn stupid for so-called “patriots”, like the ones at the Jade Helm public meeting near Bastrop, Texas, to accuse our military of preparing to commit treason. Especially since that military has been fighting, bleeding and dying to defend America for the last fourteen years. But they’d be wrong again! The brave patriots in Bastrop were absolutely right to cheer a Special Forces spokesman’s military service while simultaneously accusing the military of plotting to invade Texas.
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Read the rest at http://www.breachbangclear.com/operation-jade-helm/#comment-126873
Chris Hernandez is a 20 year police officer, former Marine and currently serving National Guard soldier with over 25 years of military service. He is a combat veteran of Iraq and Afghanistan and also served 18 months as a United Nations police officer in Kosovo. He writes for BreachBangClear.com and Iron Mike magazine and has published two military fiction novels, Proof of Our Resolve and Line in the Valley, through Tactical16 Publishing. He can be reached at chris_hernandez_author@yahoo.com or on his Facebook page (https://www.facebook.com/ProofofOurResolve).
Filed under: Writing | 24 Comments
Tags: Conspiracy theories, general stupidity, jade helm
chrishernandezauthor 
My family just moved from Chicago to Texas over the last summer. It is just too funny how many people take this seriously. One minute they’re calling Obama a pussy for not bombing Iran, the next they’re convinced he’d have the balls to try to take over Texas.
Nice dig at Clancy too. If you wanted to take down Texas with two hundred SF troops, best plan I could come up with is to take down the electrical grid (and people’s A/Cs with it). Let General Summer do the hard work. I’d call it Operation Scorched Earth.
Stop! You’re killing me!
And scrambled eggs and OJ through the nose burns us.
No word on when Matt Bracken et al are going to have to come forward and ‘splain:
“Heh…I, er…must’ve…y’know…got it all…sort of…a little bit…um…wrong…sorry dude.”
Ooo, ooo, I founded out another link in tha sinaster globals consparisacy thing. Didja know that the Strategic Air Command used to practice nuke-lee-ar combat on American Cities!!11 Yep, the bomber crews would sharpen thier skills by using AMERICAN!!11 cities as bomb run targets!11!
OMGOBAMANWOPANICS!!
Conspiracy theories are so fun to poke fun at. It’s sometimes sad to see just how blinded people get by their ideology and their fears of what the “other guys” might do.
For instance, I am a little surprised that I haven’t heard anyone crying that Obama is going to cancel the presidential election in 2016, but it’s only a matter of time. That one always seems to come up, and I have a blast just pointing and laughing. Some progressive friends of mine were ABSOLUTELY CONVINCED that Bush was going to cancel elections and become Pres. for life at the end of his second term. It certainly didn’t help our friendship when I pointed out that, if they were right, they were F#&%ed because they didn’t believe in individual firearms ownership.
It’s fun playing political make believe. Take one part “Worst Case Scenario”, another part of “Utter Historical Ignorance”, mix in a generous helping of “Pure Manipulation”*, and leaven with a good dose of “Stuff I Picked Up By Watching Too Much TV”** Fold in a batch of “Pure Bullshit”, then sprinkle with “Facts Taken Out of Context”.
Wait until Half Baked, and serve in a tinfoil hat.
*As sold at a good profit by folks like Alex Jones, Jessie Ventura, and others
**Notice how in movies and TV the lone nut is always right?
The Lone Gunmen from X-Files are still some of my favorite characters ever. 🙂
I think the fun of the excitement is part of the mix for some people. My observation of human nature is that some people work at keeping their lives in turmoil for a variety of reasons, but certain types of turmoil can lift someone out of the sameness of life. They are fun. In part they’re fun because most people can turn them off at any time by perceiving a reason not to believe any longer. (“Someone I trust says this is just another military exercise. I guess I can move on to other things.”)
I think we all have mechanisms by which we elevate our existence or just change things up. In a way it comes back to our sense of identity. Few people want to be identified as “Sheeple”t (to use a popular term). Most of us want to feel as if we are important in some way, that our lives have meaning and purpose. We want to fight the good fight. We want to make a difference.
In the main, activism is a good thing. It draws attention to problems within our society. In some cases, though, the problem that actually exists is perhaps not the one the activists intend to spotlight. The problems that the Jade Helm conspiracy theories draw attention to are various, but I think many of them revolve around Americans who define their identity in part through conflict with the “other”. That is, they define themselves by what they perceive as the differences between “us” good, real, authentic people and “them”—who are believed not to have good, real, authentic human emotions, experiences, and intentions.
“They” (in this case The Government—defined in various ways) are not like “us”. They are fundamentally different and are motivated by things “we” are not. This belief that the “other” is not motivated by the same things “we” are motivated by is central to the conviction that “they” will do things for reasons so mysterious asking why they would do them is irrelevant.
Asking why isn’t irrelevant, It’s crucial to separating reality from fantasy. Even in writing literary fantasy, if I need a character to do something, I have to ask why they would do it and provide a rational answer my readers can believe. On the comment thread of Chris’ other article on Jade Helm, I have asked repeatedly why The Government would want to stage a military takeover of a state. The persons I have asked it of have yet to answer. I suspect because it’s not a question they’ve asked themselves.
Excellent…Just too damn funny!
Chris good satire.
Here’s the thing. I’ve been hearing that (president) was going to use (event) as an excuse to impose martial law and all sorts of evil badness since the first Bush administration. Yet it never comes to pass.
One would think that people would learn not to trust those who are CONSTANTLY wrong. Nope, and as the man said, “And the burnt Fool’s bandaged finger goes wabbling back to the Fire”
http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/05/soldier-disappointed-jade-helm-not-a-coup/
Why would The Government want to stage a military takeover of a state? Again, you would have to ask someone who believes that is the objective of Jade Helm. Here is a more sympathetic inquiry:
http://www.latimes.com/opinion/op-ed/la-oe-walker-jade-helm-conspiracies-20150507-story.html
Just imagine if during the Bush years there had been a multi-state RMT exercise of Jade Helm’s scope in California and the Pacific Northwest, with, say, Oregon and Washington labeled hostile. Imagine goals of infiltration of the civilian population, to determine if troops could move undetected among the small town citizenry. I wonder what the reaction might have been?
“Infiltration of the civilian population” isn’t the goal. Maybe people are freaking out so bad because they don’t have a clue what this exercise is about and won’t bother to find out.
Did you watch the video of the town hall with Lt. Col. Lastoria?
Yes, most embarrassing load of hysterical nonsense I’ve ever seen.
http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=HjxcUkysuiA
I also recall some discussion about the different appearances in people fron N.C and people from Central Texas.
Big Spring town hall. Start at about 12:00. Sounds like at least one goal is to blend in with the population.
http://m.youtube.com/?#/watch?v=fD3ZhsyXans
“Blend in with” doesn’t equal “infiltrate”. If a tourist in NYC tries to blend in with the locals, is he infiltrating?
Not exactly, but the point is training to be undetected. Close enough for me, if not for you.
Yes, the point of the training is to operate without detection in the civilian population. I’ve participated in that kind of training myself. There is no “infiltration” of the civilian population, and “close enough for me” is no justification for the accusation that our own troops are trying to “infiltrate” their own country.
I’m not accusing them of anything. I said IMAGINE the same scenario in California/Pacific N.W. during the Bush era and what the reaction might be if the troops’ mission was to blend in undetected with civilians. If you read the linked LA Times article, you would see the reaction in California was protest and conspiracy theories for an exercise on a much smaller scale. Please do not put words in my mouth and please stop parsing “blending in undetected” and “infiltrating.” Perhaps as someone with military experience, there is a huge difference in terms; for me, as a civilian, there is not. And I understand from the town hall spokespeople that this is role playing anyway.
In a military exercise, how much does it matter that civilians who don’t understand the exercise refuse to acknowledge its actual intent?
Who is not acknowledging its actual intent? It doesn’t bother me that conspiracy theories exist. It seems to matter to you.
The issue of trust was thoroughly disscussed in your previous post.